Invented To Make Economists Look Good

If economists were invented to make astrologers look good, were feng shui finance consultants invented to make economists look good?

After last year, when most bank analysts didn’t exactly distinguish themselves, people are turning to feng shui masters for their financial advice. They seem to be saying exactly the same things as the bank analysts (no upturn yet, don’t put all your eggs in one basket, blah blah), but don’t let that dissuade you!

In keeping with the trend, HK-based equity broking shop CLSA has resurrected their yearly Feng Shui Index, and it is solid gold.

The CLSA paper is freely available on their website, so you can grab it right here if you want; if you can’t stomach that much woo-woo wackiness, here’re some of the highlights:

  • The Hang Seng index will go up in May, then down until August, then sharply up through February 2010;

  • “Universal laws [will be] passed allowing discrimination against people with tattoos, particularly slag tags, bum horns, tribal designs and faux Chinese characters” (related, and hilarious: this);

  • If you’re born on the 3rd of February 1983, you’re a Dog, and June will be a lousy month for romance; if you’re born on the 4th of February 1983, you’re a Pig, and June will be a _great _month for romance;

  • Gillian Chung (she’s a movie star and one of Edison Chen’s many girlfriends) will have a great year with lots of romance, except that the dark star Hong Yan means she’ll have a lousy year with no romantic prospects. Wait, what?;

  • No mirror in your room should reflect your bed (especially that mirror on the ceiling, take it down, it’s tacky);

  • You should have an open window in the southeast corner of your office, unless you’re a credit prop trader who’s just dropped two billion dollars;

  • Having a fish-tank in the east side of your room is good luck, but having a fish tank in the north-east side is bad luck; having a fish-tank on the dividing line between east and north-east will confuse the evil spirits for long enough that you’ll be able to lasso them and drag them outside.

Righto, you’ve got all that information, now go out there and make some money. What do you mean it’s self-contradictory, untestable, and so vague as to be useless?

(As an aside, CLSA has an office in Mauritius. Now, would that be the best posting ever, or would that be the best posting ever?)