"Too stupid to watch, too loud to nap through..."

The movie adaptation of the video game “Alone in the Dark” was released not long ago. The mere fact that it’s a video-game movie should give you pause - remember Mortal Kombat the movie? Super Mario Brothers the movie? …well, probably not, because they were so bad you’ve repressed the memory and are still undergoing counselling. It’s become an axiom of movie-watching that video-game movies are bad. But Alone in the Dark has apparently achieved a new, Zen-like level of badness. The bile from movie reviewers has been stunning. There’s been some quite good movies released lately, so all of the reviewers’ snarkiness has been building up, waiting for an outlet. And when they’re in form, these people make Ana Marie Cox look like Michael Parkinson. Roger Moore, of the Orlando Sentinel, summed up their reaction: “Too stupid to watch, too loud to nap through, Alone in the Dark shows just how tenuous Plan Nine From Outer Space’s hold on that ‘worst movie ever’ title really is.” Ouch. More quotes after the jump, from people whose snark glands are more developed than mine. Read and enjoy.

“If nothing else, Alone in the Dark proves that it’s possible to ‘dumb down’ a video game.” – Philip Wuntch, DALLAS MORNING NEWS “There are some stupid films that rock, if you turn your brain off and enjoy them. Alone in the Dark isn’t one of these, though it is very stupid.” – Michael Wilmington, CHICAGO TRIBUNE “It doesn’t even qualify as ‘so bad it’s good,’ although by that standard it does have its moments.” – Russell Scott Smith, NEW YORK POST “As video game adaptations go, even Pong: The Movie would have a lot more personality.” – Michael Rechtshaffen, HOLLYWOOD REPORTER “Reid delivers her lines as though she is calling for another round of Mai Tais for the house.” – Nell Minow, MOVIE MOM AT YAHOO! MOVIES “…asking the viewer to accept Tara Reid as a scientist is pure insanity, requiring a staggering leap of faith that I can’t even begin to contemplate.” – David Nusair, REEL FILM REVIEWS “It’s tempting to call Alone in the Dark one of those movies so bad that it’s almost good. But that might send the wrong signal to Hollywood.” – John Monaghan, DETROIT FREE PRESS “Alone in the Dark is so awful, anyone who spends 10 bucks seeing it ought to get 11 bucks change and a written apology from the director and cast.” – Peter Howell, TORONTO STAR “Veers tantalizingly close to being one of those movies that is so bad it’s good, but in the end, it’s so bad it’s just … bad.” – Ann Hornaday, WASHINGTON POST “Tara Reid responds to the camera like she’s just caught a paparazzo; every line of dialogue begins with, ‘Hey guys,’ be it ordering lunch or reacting to mortal danger.” – Todd Gilchrist, FILMSTEW.COM “A film so mind-blowingly horrible that it teeters on the edge of cinematic immortality.” – Peter Hartlaub, SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE “Chances are, you’ll probably find yourself alone in the theater too.” – Susan Granger, MODAMAG.COM