If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere

LIBERTY CITY—With the city in the midst of a record crime wave, concerned citizens claim the Liberty City Police Department has done little to prevent the constant car chases, ongoing gun battles, and overall atmosphere of violence that pervade the area.

“I used to feel safe in Liberty City, but lately, it’s been total mayhem,” said night-shift worker Lola Del Rio, who spoke to reporters while sucking nervously on a red lollipop. “In the past week alone, I’ve been carjacked twice, run over 10 times, and witness to a half-dozen gunfights that ended with automobiles exploding. What are the police doing to stop all this?”

[…]

“I was shot 14 times on my way to work today, including twice by police,” said one Algonquin-area resident. “That is unacceptable.”



The Onion reports from the mean streets of Liberty City.

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